


Moonlight

by peterscanavino



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional Hurt, HEED THE WARNINGS OKAY, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, One Shot, im sorry, otose and shinpachi make a cameo in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:14:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28192269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peterscanavino/pseuds/peterscanavino
Summary: Gintoki’s not good at writing letters.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27





	Moonlight

“Hi, sweetheart. It’s me again, just.. just plain old Gin-san this time,” Gintoki ends with a sad chuckle, gingerly crouching down on the pathway. He puts down a bag full of freshly-steamed manju, still warm to the touch — courtesy of Shinpachi who came over at his place this morning. As if he knew what Gintoki had in mind for the day. _“Warm manju are perfect to eat in this weather now, y’know. Extra adzuki filling as always right, Gin-san?”, the boy cheerily said before tinkering in the kitchen for a few hours._

In front of him was a tombstone. The pristine gloss on the surface indicated that it was made just recently. Gintoki knows for a fact actually, that it was indeed made early this week.

_ Hijikata Toushirou _

The characters carved on the tombstone intricate and well-done. If one were to saw the craftsmanship on it, they might just be impressed. It was really, indeed, _beautiful_.

_ Then why did it only manage to make Gintoki’s chest feel so damn tight? Why was Gintoki feeling nothing but heartache looking at it? _

This was also a fact that the man knew by heart.

* * *

Hijikata Toushirou was involved in a fatal accident last week.  _ His _ Toushirou was struck by a fast approaching car, the driver had realized it one second too late while they were scrolling on the phone.  _ His  _ Toushirou was bleeding out in the middle of the road while Gintoki was too busy rushing along things while simultaneously getting nagged at by Otose at work.

It was the sudden call from Zura that managed to get Gintoki’s attention toward his phone for the first time during the whole day, because Katsura rarely calls him — it was always uninvited (but amusing) texts most of the time.

_** “Gintoki, did you hear about it?” ** _

The urgent and abruptness of Katsura’s voice immediately made Gintoki feel uneasy.  _ Has he heard about what? _

That was the last thing he clearly remembered doing on that day, the rest from there was fuzzy, tangled and mashed up together.  _ He remembered _ the frenzy of texts that he got, some from friends he haven’t even heard from in awhile.

 _ He remembered _ leaving work early, but he couldn’t recall if he actually informed Otose or not. Probably not. His heart was down to his feet, after all.

 _ He remembered _ all but sprinting to the location he gathering from the jumble of text messages.

Gintoki recalled felt so breathless at that moment, but he knew it wasn’t from all the running.

_ No. Please, please, anything but that. _

_He remembered_ just how much he cried, had  _ wailed  _ his fucking heart out that day.

When Gintoki had arrived on the roadside, he swears it was by a goddamn miracle he could still take a breath in.

His Toushirou, his husband of almost a full year,  _ the person who held Gintoki’s whole heart was.. _

* * *

Gintoki shut his eyes tight, not realizing when had he clenched his fists until he felt the dull burn of his nails digging into his palms.

The reason why it pained him to the core looking at this beautifully made tombstone was because it loomed over him, an ever-so-constant reminder of what he lost.  _Who_ he lost.

Sakata Gintoki lost his friend, lost his rival, lost his shoulder to cry on, lost the love of his life.

He... lost everything that is-  _ was _ Hijikata Toushirou.

All in a split second.

Gintoki tries not to conjure up the emptiness he had felt on that day, tries to make the tightening feeling in his throat go away, tries not to think about the time when he was actually stable enough to sort through the messages he got that day.

But alas, Gintoki always was a stubborn guy.

* * *

_(6 unread messages) _

**_ From: Toshi-baby <33 _ **

_** gin, how long do u think u’ll be working today? i got the day-off today bc kondo-san had to go out of edo suddenly  ** 12:13 pm _

_** From: Toshi-baby <33 ** _

_** oi. permhead. look at ur phone  ** 1:45 pm _

**_ From: Toshi-baby <33 _ **

_** idk if i should be mad or glad ur working so hard u don’t have the time to look at ur texts  ** 2:15 pm _

**_ From: Toshi-baby <33 _ **

_** i’m coming over with some food okay? god knows when was the last time u ate. geez u love to worry me  ** 2:16 pm _

**_ From: Toshi-baby <33 _ **

_** i got ur fave too, so u better eat up. okay omw  ** 2:19 pm _

**_ From: Toshi-baby <33 _ **

**_ love u okbye  _ ** _ 2:19 pm_

Toushirou’s texts ended up getting buried under all the newer ones from the day. The raven had two bentos with him when he got hit. Gintoki even caught glimpses of several ichigo daifuku scattered about, the red from the strawberries was almost similar to the pool of—

* * *

Fallen tears blended it with the light drizzle that has just started to pour down, seeping into the piece of paper that he held in his other hand.

A letter.

_ “It helps, actually”, Otose told him out of the blue once, ah she must’ve noticed Gintoki zoning out again. The elderly woman hasn’t blabbered on like usual to him recently. She’s been a bit more nicer with him, the silver-haired noticed. “Writing a letter, putting everything you wish you could’ve said to him one more time”, she said with a puff of a cigarette. “I’m sure, if anyone is listening to your heart and whatever that’s going on inside that permhead of yours”, she paused, turning to face Gintoki with a sullen smile, “it’d be Hijikata.” _

And so that was that. That was the thing that brought Gintoki here, crouching alone in a lonely graveyard after a restless night, trying to figure out how to put the mess that was his thoughts into a single written letter.

In the end, the paper in his grasp was still blank until now.

“The kids dropped by this morning, figured you’d like to try these manju that Shinpachi made. He didn’t put mayonnaise in it though”, Gin smiles, albeit it not reaching his eyes. “Sorry about that.”

His eyes seem to sting the longer he stares at the meant-to-be letter in his hand. “The old granny had been a lot n-nicer to me nowadays.. you know? Gin-san actually has reasonable breaks now...”

The dam that were his sobs slowly break, the first cry bringing on a whole wave of sorrow wrecking through what felt like every fibre of Gintoki’s being.

“It’s... I’m  so sorry Toshi, I’m sorry for not talking to you the last times I could. I’m s-sorry I didn’t give a response, you must’ve been more wo-worried, huh..”, an arm comes to wipe away the flowing tears down his cheeks. He could barely get his words together. All Gintoki could focus on was the overwhelming feeling of heartbreak, sorrow and pure longing coursing through his veins.

_ Gintoki is truly hurt from his very core. _

“Home feels so lonely now, I.. I actually m-miss your bottles of mayonnaise and little cigarette butts all over the place..”

_ Home doesn’t feel like home without you. Toshi. Can you come back home? I don’t mind if it’s only for a couple of hours, a day or two, or nine years.. Could you just come back to Gin-san for a bit?_

Gintoki can’t seem to get that confession out, everything just feels so heavy.

“If this was our fate all along, I have no choice but to accept it all. But please.. let Gin-san h-hold on to Toshi for just a bit longer...”,  _fuck_ ,  his heart felt like it was going to burst.

Sakata Gintoki was not much of a religious person by a long run, but these days he’s found himself praying to any god, any deity out there that might be listening to his lament —  to please let Toushirou be happy, to please take care of Toushirou  wherever he might be right now.  _ To please let the light of his life hear him and forever keep Gintoki in his heart. _

“I miss my moonlight, I miss it so  _so_ much.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’M SORRY GINTOKI I’M A SUCKER FOR ANGST. This was inspired by ‘Purnama’ by Naim Daniel. It’s a Malay song but don’t fret... the translated lyrics don’t hurt less ;;; It’s a really nice song so I recommend you to check it out if you want! I’m not very good at angst but I tried, aha. Hope you enjoyed this!


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